Freitag, 30. Juli 2021
healing after toxic shit.
ich hätte Anfang des Jahres niemals gedacht, dass ich das in nächster Zeit sagen würde... aber Fuck, ich bin so verliebt.. und so glücklich.

ich hatte ihn jetzt 1,5 Wochen nicht gesehen und wir haben's auch irgendwie nicht hinbekommen zu telefonieren ..wir haben viel geschrieben, aber Gott, hab ich ihn vermisst.

Das Wiedersehen gestern war so unglaublich schön... ich konnte die Hände nicht von ihm lassen und er nicht von mir...

_____
The way he huged me from behind
he looked and me
he kissed me
we loved each other
the butterflies in my belly went crazy
everything in side me wanted to tell him how much I love him
but I was scared
though he loves me back so obviously....
he said I'm his... and when I said he's mine,he just smiled and said "yes, I am"
he invited me to see his family and I think he told them I was his girlfriend
he's so thoughful and cute all the time...

and he is helping me to heal... my last realationship was so fucking toxic... so it feels so unbelievable to me sometimes that it is so easy with him... I never feel like I need to guard any boundaries... when I say "I don't know if that feels right" -he just stopps and asks what I want or need instead... he's so selfless...he never asks for anythingin return if he's doing something nice for me...he's just there, being cute...he's so carring and thoughful... he is never grumpy without a reason and he never makes me feel stupid for anything I say, think or feel...
I know a lot of these things should be normal...but in my last realationship they weren't...my ex made me feel like there was something wrong with me so many times and made me feel like my own feelings are not valid...
I hate that I still write about him at all, but all the damage he did...I still need to heal from it... I still need to remind myself that he was in the wrong...not me... I was never wrong for having boundaries... I don't want to be so angry anymore, I just wanna be in peace...but just the audacity he had in so many things... omg, I sometimes can't believe anyone could ever be like that... it was so wrong how he treated me and he didn't even understand what was wrong with it.... I think he has not understood it until now... and that frustrates me... but I've heard from a friend of a friend that he is still doing the same bullshit as before... he still doesn't have his life together...
I just need to remind myself, that it wasn't me... I wasn't weak... I was just in love and I didn't know there's people like him... I didn't notice how he manipulated me ...for way too long...
I was so disappointed with myself for letting him do all that to me...
but now I know, it's all on him.. he's projecting all his misery on other people...I just wanted to love him, to believe in him and I wanted to help him and be there for him...even if it wasn't easy a lot of the time...
I just should have realized that he is a lost cause... he was never really there for me...he just acted like he was so he could saw I owe him again....he made me feel bad for needing help...he acted like I was aburden to him and he was just so nice to keep up with me,,,he never wanted to see the mistakes in himself....He always blamed everyone else (also me...) for his misery and shitty life... he is selfish and unrealiable and ignorant and toxic... and he doesn't have any empathy....that's why nobody likes him and nothing goes ever wrong in his life... but he just acts like the world and people are bad and life is so unfair....
he expected shit from me that no one should expect from anyone... he acted as I owed it to him.... but in reverse he wanted me to praise him like a god if he did one little thing for me for once.
Fuck this guy. I'm so happy he's not in my life anymore and I could move on...
to be honest...in that realationship I lost a god part of my happiness and my sense of selfworth... but I gained it back!

C., my curent lover is such a blessing... litterally everything about him is better than about my ex - and I don't just say that because S. is my ex...
I can't believe C. likes me.... first I thought he was a fuckboy or something.. he's just way to goddamn hot and he's a fucking god in bed as well to be honest... but he is so cute and smart and a good person as well... I can't describe how good and safe and happy I feel when I'm with him...
he always listens to me, he always wants to know my wishes, my opinon, my point of view...
he never expects me to just do something...
he is so good at being there for me and showing me love, but also in giving me freedom and respecting me

I have never felt so lucky before, I swear.
I don't know why he likes me... I know my selfworth... I know I'm pretty and funny and smart and everything... but honestly I still feel like he's way to good for me. He's justso perfect- at least in my eyes.-Don't get me wrong though.... we are on the same level, it really feels like we are a team, he never made me feel like I wasn't good enough..like ever...

maybe I'm crazy for saying that but...
sometimes I think I never wanna date anyone else...
I never wanna have sex with anyone else ever..because at this ponit, I don't know if it can get any better... Sex with him feels like luxary, it feels like heaven...it's unbelievable
I never wanna date anyone else because I have NEVER in my whole life felt this safe and understood like I do with him...
I have never laughed so much...
when we talk it's so easy, sometimes 3 hours feel just like 30 minutes...
I love being in his strong arms...
I just love looking at him.. I have never been so obsessed with the looks of a guy... sometimes I just lay in bed, watch him and can't believ how pretty he is....and that he's mine....
And he is really smart, he thaught me a lot of cool things already...our conversations are always so fucking interesting...
and he is super reliable and a good friend as well...
I really fucking love him. Yesterday when I saw him again I felt like I was going crazy because I felt so much love for him.... I just felt so fucking happy being in his arms!
I can't believe I'm this lucky...everything about this feels so right....so unbelievable right that sometimes it scares me...

I can't even describe how happy I was yesterday when he couldn't stop kissing and hugging me...
sometimes it feels like I'm dreaming...



...bereits 7 x gelesen
Freitag, 23. Juli 2021
France
I'm in France now... It feels so surreal..but so good... Loosing track of time, being excited over beautiful places...
I love traveling. So much. It's so cool to see all those different places and see different kinds of people. ..just to live from day to day...I'm so grateful!
6 more nights left... We'e been to three cities already and arrived in the 4th today..it's gonna be 5 in total...tomorrow we're going to a nationalpark at the sea... I'm so grateful!



...bereits 14 x gelesen
Sonntag, 18. Juli 2021
1 year ago vs. now
I'm going to France tomorrow!First Time in about 1,5 years or maybe even more I'm leaving Germany again!

I'm so happy. I missed travelling so much, it really is one of my biggest passions!

I can't believe everything is so good right now.
If I compare it to a year ago, it's insane

Last year I was living in a shared flat where I hated it to live in. I felt lonely. I didn't really have a plan what I'm doing. Corona made many plans not work out. I was kind of lost. I was in a really toxic realationship, I felt angry and sad and misunderstood so much and I was in pain. I had a lot of trouble with my mom. I had to move a lot last year and didn't know where I'll finally stay. There were a few great and exciting things last year but also a lot of boredom, sadness, tears, pain and anger....

Right now I live in a city I'm happy to stay in for now in a nice shared flat, I am extremly busy in the best way possible, I met this really cute and hot guy, that I really like and that really likes me- and no joke: he really treats me 1000 times better than my ex. I am studying again, I have a job that I like and more money than ever before (still not a hole lot, but good considering I'm a student I guess), the things with my mom got more calm, it's good to have a bit of distance between us I suppose...I' gonna travel a lot this summer and see my friends and maybe, just maybe...next year I'll have half a year where I can just do whatever I want (maybe travel?) and then study in Oslo for half a year...let's see
But whatever. I feel good again. I feel strong again. I finally feel like myself again

and I'm so so incredibly grateful for the way things turned out. I'm so grateful for being able to live this exact life. It really is amazing.



...bereits 17 x gelesen