Montag, 10. Mai 2021
I wrote quite a long text about guy a few days ago already... then I deleted it because I thought it was stupid.

Long storry short: I'm first love texted me after the last time we saw or heard from each other was in 2017. We texted a bit and he told me he lives very close to where I live now - I got kind of excited because I would have loved to see him again. He said he can't because he has a girlfriend now ...which I thought was a really stupid reason and it kind of felt like he'd imply that I'd take him back anytime...but don't know...maybe his girlfriend really is really jealous... don't know... kind of a pitty but it's alright.

my other ex that I just broke up with this year texted me as well..once again... we even talked on the phone... then it felt like he'd think we'd talk every day now... I realized he's not good for me (once again) - I told him I don't wanna be friends with him after all that happend...haven't heard from him since then- which is good.

The guy I'm dating right now... I don't know what to think... Sometimes it annoys me that he is so rational...sometimes it's not exciting enough for me anymore... I don't know. And I literally can't tell at all if he likes me or if he just wants to have fun...and also I don't know what I'd rather want him to want and to feel..
I got kind of frustrated and got on online dating again... I keep dating him but now I'm also texting with other guys... I don't even know what I'm doing... I don't even know what I want...

I don't know why my life is so much about guys right now... Iwanted to say: maybe I'm just bored because of covid..but actually I'm not... I'm kind of stressed because of uni and in my freetime I'm actually having a lot of fun with my friends (mostly the same 3 people, who are already vaccinated too) and my flatmates.
So I don't know why I want love so bad right now... Why I want a guy so bad right now.... I've always been such a good single...I loved being independant...
And since I stopped taking my birth control pills I could have sex all's really crazy - if it wasn't in the covid-times....I'd probably just love going partying a lot and meeting a lot of guys and just being free... Weird to say maybe, but I'd kind of love to be a slut right now lol at least a part of me...another part want a full on serious head over heals being in love realtionship right now...but well... I can't have any of these at the moment I guess..

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